I'm young, single, and living a great life in Cairo, Alhamdulillah. Career opportunities are presenting themselves in multitude. I'm currently working on a documentary which was blown to me by a wisp of fate. I recently received an offer to be part of a possible presenting team for a new ladies talk show which is being pitched to a tv channel in SA.
I'm enjoying my current job, which promises great success once the project is underway, Inshallah.
I live in a gorgeous apartment, have a core circle of close friends here (but I still miss my friends in SA loads), am always meeting new people, and am never short of social activities to attend.
But there's something missing. I'm tired/bored of being independent. It's overrated. Sure, it has its perks, but Allah did not create us to be alone.
Last year I was perfectly willing to put off the idea of marriage for another year. This year I told myself I'm going to be completely independent, travel alone on holidays/breaks if I have to, & do all that I can possibly do to live a fulfilling & exciting year.
But in a chat with a fellow blogger recently, I mentioned how I don't want to travel alone. It's a lonely feeling. Since it's unlikely friends/family will be able to join me on short trips abroad this year, I'll have to. Because I don't want to put my life on hold waiting-which is exactly what I'm not doing re arrival of a suitable boy.
And thus life can go on merrily, merrily, down the stream. But rowing a boat alone is only fun for a while. Last year when a good few of my friends fell pregnant/gave birth, I was glad it wasn't me. But now my biological clock is tick-tocking.
I admit that as a woman today, I want it all. I want to continue travelling & Inshallah would like to do aid work next year across the world. And I'd like to marry a man who's willing to join me on that.
Maybe I want too much. And so, while I refuse to settle, I am perfectly willing to compromise and live in co-dependence (Read this great piece on marriage)
But how/where does one meet suitable men? It's difficult being in the middle, not dating but not wanting to have guys come home who mostly are looking for good, 'conservative' (not necessarily Islamic) girls preferably in hijab who aren't career-minded.
Do I wait to meet another 'one for me', or do I marry someone who has good qualities but isn't everything I want?
Do I just wait, or go out & be proactive in finding someone. How does one do so?
A random crazy thought occurred to me a few weeks ago which I posed to two female blogger friends. Why not utilise the services/contacts base of Blogistan to find a suitable prospect?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Independence is overrated
Posted by bb_aisha at 10:34 AM
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27 comments:
i loved reading this piece.
btw, this is totally personal but im random like that: i just hoovered me room yday- the last time i did was when u came round :P
i like my independence. but i also know i subtly depend on people. i think the biggest fear for girls in our boat is there is a danger/risk of losing that independence when we wed - and i predict that is the main reason why we are single (or perhaps its because He hasnt presented him to us, yet :P)
as you are already aware, i would say do whatever you want, whatever you feel is right without compromising the core principles or what you deeply believe in. because at the end of the day, if youre still single, and even at 40, you know you can hold your head up high because you did what was right. how easy is it to base your actions on a whim or desire? so what if we're getting old and still single. so frikking what!
Great post...
I think the best way to put this, that you're exactly where you're meant to be in the path the Almighty has placed for you.
Though I am married, I feel similarly with regards to parenthood or even going for hajj, travelling, buying a house, work or whatever of the many issues there may be.
To me it's just that there is a predestined time for everything and just up to us to make the most of what is dealt out to us right now.
Once again, I really enjoyed reading this.
ps
>>Do I wait to meet another 'one for me', or do I marry someone who has good qualities but isn't everything I want?
i think you probably already know the answer to this - its in your own questioning which is why i feel these questions that people often ask to be quite redundant.
i also believe God is perfect and that his creation are not- thats their character im referring to not questioning God's work, of course. so following that logic, i know i will never find someone perfect, but if i meet someone i'm willing to meet in the middle then the battle is won!
I agree with Hanifa - you'll get what's meant for you at the time it's meant for you. But, that doesn't mean you should just sit and wait around - because being passive is difficult to do, especially when it's this particular area of life and you feel the way you do.
so, i would say yes to the networking idea - use your social network (with the proper precautions and safety measures, of course) in your search.
With regard to 'everything you want' - to cut a long story short - I'd advise you to decide on the most important qualities you need in a person, and then be very flexible when it comes to all the other expectations. Because, what we think we want/need - and what we actually, REALLY need - can be 2 different things. And only Allah truly knows what we really need.
So, be open minded - realise that good general qualities - specifically in a person's character - are the most important things. If someone has those, but they don't have some or all of the other things (e.g. willing to let you pursue your career to the degree you want to) - don't end it right there.
Stop and think to yourself what your real purpose in life is, what your ultimate goals are for this world and the next.
a golden rule in making a decision like this is to look at what your ultimate purpose of life is, what your ultimate goals are - then ask yourself whether you think being with that candidate will bring you closer to that purpose/those goals.
And, when it comes to the point where there's someone who is a serious candidate - we have the most simple, most solid way of deciding: we don't have to have the pressure of making the decision. we can make Istikhara, and Allah gives us the right decision, insha-Allah.
Keep the faith, and be patient, and insha-Allah it'll happen for you soon.
Off hand, i remember 2 pieces i wrote a few years ago, which i hope can resonate with you in your current situation.
Reliance:
http://dreamlife.wordpress.com/2007/04/20/for-the-single-people-out-there/
Dedication:
http://dreamlife.wordpress.com/2007/09/18/dedication/
Nicely designed blog mash'Allah
Keep up the good work.
Would you please consider linking to Haq Islam from here?
Jazakallah
this blogistan synchronicity is freaky sometimes. i just wrote about this. esp since its winter and i don't have a huge fluffy teddybear to keep me warm. i want more independence though iA. i am making du'a for all of us to find what is Best.
Thanks for the linkage - the article in question can be found here.
>I admit that as a woman today, I want it all.
Although I tried to keep away from any specific observations on gender I have found, anecdotally at least, that men are more willing to give up freedom for domestic bliss than women. There are many reasons for this:
1) Some women didn't get a chance to do stuff pre-marriage. This doesn't explain why those who have (like yourself) still want the same freedoms post.
2)Assuming it's the traditional roles which are chosen, keeping a home is more boring than going out to work. I don't think this is necessarily true - I think most people are bored at work regardless of their gender. The difference is that men suck it up largely 'cos they have to (they don't have the backup plan of having kids).
3) Similarly to the above, there is no apparent value in keeping a home. This is the fault of both men and women - a job has clear and demonstrative value in that you're able to buy stuff with the money you earn from it. I'd argue that the person keeping a home directly enables this too. This needs to be recognised by both people in the relationship, but maybe it isn't at much as it should be? No recognition of value means no feeling of self worth doing it and no desire to suck it up like a man would his day job.
Interesting post. I think people need to be more pro-active when wanting to get married. Sure, Allah destines partners for us all, but He is not in the business of wrapping them up and putting them on our doorsteps, no He wants us to search and journey...we all know the hadith, "tie the camel and pray"
Independence is not the key - interdependence is. Each spouse has to acknowledge that the other has his/her own life, and co-exist at the same time.
Its ironic how people spend years and years studying for degrees, masters and phds, and put so much effort into their careers, but with marriage they expect to just say "nikahtuha wa qabiltuha" and thats it...
My husband and I have been doing this course lately called "light his fire" and "light her fire", i recommend it to all married and engaged couples.
you are right, rowing a boat alone is only fun for so long - marriage truly is a sacred union, and I pray you find your happy beginning soon. I think you should go with the option of someone with good qualities who will respect your independence, not the "one". Like I said, be proactive, don't limit urself to nationality, race etc. and use the technology available to you... there are 1 billion Muslims in the world!
sofs sweety: no, i don't fear losing my independence, i fear for settling just because.
& i'm perfectly fine with being 27 & single, it's not the age. some people feel the need to be married at 18,21,32 whatever. It's the feeling that matters.
haha you know me & my redundant q's. but that's what i said-i'm perfectly willing to compromise.
Nielfa:thank you. I believe very strongly in qadr. However, qadr is based on the choices we make. Only life and death are irrevocably predestined. So while I do believe it will happen when it's meant to, I also know I've allowed many 'qadr' moments to pass.
Dreamlife: nice to have you comment. I agree with what you say & yes, I decided a while back I will focus on what's integral. Will read your posts.
Haq Islam: Shukran. Will do Inshallah
Nooj: your post didn't show up on my feed. have you changed your url? Yes it's happened a few times where bloggers have the same thoughts. I think you're quite independent, but I understand. I am glad I have it, but I'm willing to give it up.
Ameen to those duas.
Shak:Oops. Corrected link.
1) Define the freedom you assume I want post-marriage.
I certainly don't want to go on holiday with my friends without my husband every year.
I would want to be allowed to attend a work conference for a few days/week every 4-6 months or so if required.
But my freedom is co-dependent on my husbands. I want to do things with him. I don't want to marry a man who doesn't enjoy spontaneous weekend breaks, or who wants to live a boring proverbial suburban 'do the same thing every week' life.
But if he can't/doesn't want to do aid work in different countries for a year, maybe we can do it for one month.
2)Some women are to blame for their own feelings of low self-esteem. They choose not to engage in society, watch soapies all day & don't engage intellectually. They give housewives a bad name.
I do feel it's important for both parties to feel fulfilled, & if that means a woman having a career, then so be it. It's not about thinking keeping a home has no value, it's about one's personality & what one needs to feel stimulated. Some people can stay in one job for 10,20,30 years while others need to change jobs every 2-5 years.
And those with jobs still feel the need to engage in community work, sports etc
One cannot be one-dimensional.
For myself, I'd want to work part-time when I have kids. And I'm ok with not working when they're babies. But I'm fortunate I can always freelance.
No career is more important than a family.
If men are bored, then they have the option of staying home while their wives work. But most men wouldn't be comfortable with this.
Re keeping a home, many women successfully combine working & keeping a good home. Home-cooked meals, baking etc every day. Driving us to & from school activities. Helping with assignments if needed. My mum did this for many years. She's been home for the past 4 years & still wants to do something part-time.
Safiyyah:Light her/his fire. Tell us more!
So you suggest I use internet matrimonial sites? :-) I admit I tried it once out of curiosity but after 3 weeks decided it wasn't quite for me.
Oh, I'm very open to other nationalities & races. I'd prefer it.
It's almost one year since I met Jamal & I've accepted he's maybe not meant for me.
Then there's a friend who says he wants to marry me, but I doubt his sincerity & that points to aspects of his personality & maybe his character too. He's a good guy but no..
So Safiyyah, if you know of any eligible bachelors, I'm in your book ;-)
Oh, & I like interdependence. You & Ebrahim have a wonderful marriage & it's great you've travelled so much together & have the same interests. May Allah keep you happy together.
>1) Define the freedom you assume I want post-marriage.
Well spending even a month away doing aid work is, although admirable, pretty freeful I reckon. As is generally not being "boring" - I think any man would love to pack in his 9-5 and be spontaneous and go travelling and hang with his family. This isn't realistic though.
>If men are bored, then they have the option of staying home while their wives work.
Most can't though, due to the responsibilities that have been laid at his feet. Working and earning isn't much of a choice for most men, no matter what options to stay at home you present to them. This isn't because of the lack of self-worth that might come about but more because this is the role men are (admittedly arbitrarily) expected to fulfil. In fact I think it would be the wife who'd have the biggest problem with her husband not working.
>2)Some women are to blame for their own feelings of low self-esteem. They choose not to engage in society, watch soapies all day & don't engage intellectually. They give housewives a bad name.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. Why is this bad? Why can a housewife only be successful if she's "engaging" or involved in projects? I'm incredibly impressed by any person, woman or man, who is able to just keep a home in order and nothing else, just like I'm impressed by someone who works long hours in a job they hate just to put food on the table for their family. Projects and engagement, although wonderful bonuses, are just that.
>it's about one's personality & what one needs to feel stimulated.
Absolutely. And I'm arguing that our personalities and needs have been blinkered to the effect that they'll be impossible to fulfil.
We need to go back to a time where two people would be fundamentally fulfilled by building a home and raising a family together, one where travelling, running fancy projects and doing aid work for months/years in other countries are exceptional things to aspire and attempt to achieve, but no real big deal if they're not.
Unfortunately, as you've already admitted, we now want it all. Not gonna happen I'm afraid. But hey, maybe I'm just a boring, one-dimensional and suburban kinda guy?
>>lately called "light his fire" and "light her fire",
saffiya, is this for married couples only or something? i second bibi's comment and would love to know more!
Shak, I wrote "But if he can't/doesn't want to do aid work in different countries for a year, maybe we can do it for one month."
That means I want to do it with him, & I'm ok if we can't do that together. I certainly won't go off by myself.
As for travelling, I don't mean a fancy holiday every year. I mean spending a year in Egypt, two years in London, a year in Argentina.
It's become far less difficult to do so as job opportunities abound.
What I don't want is a guy who's only focused on living in a big house, driving nice cars, going on one overseas holiday a year.
That said, I'll be fine living in one place.
To say we should go back to the past is sociologically impossible.
The world has evolved, globalisation and the internet have opened our eyes to the world, which is now easier to gain access to. Generations before us did not have these opportunities. But many (do a survey amongst women over 60) did want more. But those were dreams far beyond the realities of their minds.
Yes they were satisfied too but you can't deny them their once-held ambitions.
I can be perfectly happy as a housewife, but as a Muslim woman I feel Islam wants more of me.
Technology may have made life more frenetic, but it's also greatly reduced the time needed to clean a home.
And from a 'spoilt by live-in maids' South African view, women in SA don't have to do anything but cook.
When their children are at school, what do they do?
I don't wish to lessen the value of running a home but you give a woman who does that & nothing else way too much credit. Raising well-mannered children who aren't dropped off at malls, left in front of the tv etc is another matter altogether.
---And I'm arguing that our personalities and needs have been blinkered to the effect that they'll be impossible to fulfil.--
I feel this is an individual's trait, & not part of society's psyche
Human nature is such that we'll always want more. Satiation is not finite. That doesn't signify we won't be satisfied with less.
You expressed it well 'exceptional things to aspire and attempt to achieve, but no real big deal if they're not. '
But we have to aspire, for what would mankind achieve without aspiration.
Some aspire to live in a small country town in which to raise their kids, with limited or no exposure to the world beyond. Others want to explore the world.
Some shun fame, others crave it. Some want to appreciate the products of geniuses/inventors/Nobel Literature Laureates. Others want to produce them.
Each to their dreams
And if one finds a partner who shares similar dreams, then a co-dependent marriage is perfectly possible.
It comes down to basic compatibility & shared interests & understanding of envisioned future life.
>Yes they were satisfied too but you can't deny them their once-held ambitions.
Sounds like a contradictory statement. If they were satisfied what more is there to want? Everything else is a bonus imo, achievable or not.
The availability of a maid does add a complication but this isn't really about time management or efforts posted. It's about making do with your lot. Perhaps evolution has made that more difficult; I'd find that a shame if so.
>I don't wish to lessen the value of running a home but you give a woman who does that & nothing else way too much credit.
And I feel you don't give her enough! Considering the state of homes today I'd say it's more difficult than you're implying. But perhaps you're better equipped than others?
>I feel this is an individual's trait, & not part of society's psyche
I never said it was either. I absolutely recognise that you/people want more. I'm not saying you don't or even that you shouldn't. I just feel that it's not something that will help you in finding a partner.
>But we have to aspire, for what would mankind achieve without aspiration.
Uh... So we're agreed then? Aspiration doesn't imply implementation at any cost.
>Some aspire to live in a small country town in which to raise their kids, with limited or no exposure to the world beyond. Others want to explore the world.
And it's the former who get married :)
>And if one finds a partner who shares similar dreams, then a co-dependent marriage is perfectly possible.
But more difficult to both establish and maintain.
This is my third reply and so my last! I hope I didn't cause any offence in anything said - you clearly are ambitious and possibly even a bit demanding when it comes to what you require from a relationship. These are no bad things in themselves, and I truly hope that you get all that you wish for; either that or find even more happiness in something much simpler :)
There is truth both in what bb and shak say. That is why there is no prescription for a happy marriage and let each deconstruct and reconstruct their own conjugal bliss iA
>>That is why there is no prescription for a happy marriage and let each deconstruct and reconstruct their own conjugal bliss iA
lol nooj, i so love it/you! i have read the replies on this a couple of times trying to make sense.. but hey, i think your statement sums up the crux of the matter :D
bibs, habibi,this post is just a reminder of why I love you. I've been in quite a few conversations about this topic recently. There's a lot that I'd love to say but am just too lazy to articulate. I make heartfely dua's for phenomonal single people (of which there are many), to find spouses (pleural - spice?). My words (shall not say advice coz that implies pressure on the reader to take it seriously, and it may be flawed): if there are not any GLARING irregularities in prospects, don't overthink it, do it ! . But this advice is from the vantage point of experience. so maybe I'll backtrack... but duahs (sincere and heartfelt ones).
as salam
i hope ur good.
well, i kinda have a guy in mind for u- in SA that is- CT to be exact
look im no match-maker, but when yacoob told me abt your post, and i read it and the comments, i feel that maybe this dude could be suitable. Allah hu 'alam
maybe u met him too at MSA RIS?? anyway if ur interested lemme know
a word of advice though:
try not to be dogmatic in ur views abt ur role in Islam. i can say this coz i recognise it in what ur saying- coz thats how i was, even post marriage.
but then i fell pregnant and well, things change- u change- and the most praiseworthy thing for me now- is women who raise their kids to be Allah conscious. SubhanAllah- in a world like this, it takes a strong person- mother-.
theres a talk too that i will ask yacoob to mail u or send u the link if possible- made me change a lot of my preconceived ideas of what my goal in life was/is...
anyway i totally get ur ideals and ideas- striving for Islam is our no.1 aim, but who'se to say what kind of striving is praiseworthy.
anyway lemme know about the guy...
and hang in there- with lots of salaatul hajaat- it works, trust me! im a firm believer in it- everyday, dua' all the time, be desperate, but only to Allah ;)
Alia
:D
We are so rowing down the same river in different boats :) I agree, its tough and independance is over-rated.
I've always been independant, it gets old. I find myself still wanting to be a child sometimes not because I long for my youth, just because I want someone to depend on and my parents are the only ones I can depend on.
But to be perfectly honest. I dont see marriage for myself. I dont know if its because I've given up on this issue.
I'm making my peace with just being me, living, working and travelling.
PS. I'm free for babysitting though...Oestrogen has to be channeled somewhere.
ta sofi
:D azzy we should start an oestrogen distribution service ;P
Beebs - "What I don't want is a guy who's only focused on living in a big house, driving nice cars, going on one overseas holiday a year."
I feel exactly the same.
Noojie - lol @ "blogistan synchronicity". I agree, we can have a Oestragen dispatch centre in the heart of JHB :)
Shak: When I have time I'll reply in detail. But it seems that you'll only be satisfied when everybody agrees with your idea of what a marriage should be like.
Q-would you marry a girl who does not enjoy doing what you do?- does not want you spending some of your weekend volunteering, does not enjoy enjoy hanging out with friends, only with family or alone, doesn't like impromptu trips, theatre bores her, etc-
Yet she's a perfectly fine good girl.
Ayesha-your comment is why I love you too:-) Pity IM conversations between us just aren't the same as in person. I miss our talks-they may have been few, but they were top-notch:-)
Az: Why do you say marriage isn't meant for you?
Aalia: And so it begins:-) But seriously, hmm...will mail you
Alf mabrook-congrats! Masha Allah
Nooj: talk of hormones freaks me out!
u make us 'non-independent' ppl green with envy...love your spirit! wslm
Bibi Aisha -
I guess I'm too different. I sit on the fence while everyone seems to want "Either/Or".
I don't want an ordinary life. I don't want the husband thats so focused on acquiring worldly possessions, that its all that he does. Conversely, I'm no conservative muslim...so I dont ascribe to their traditions etc.
It's even tougher for me beebs because my parents are divorced, and I dont need to tell you how petty and judgemental people can be when it comes to that. Even though I had no hand it it, I'm still ostracised or marginalised because of it.
SO my prospects of finding someone that fills my requirements are slim to none. And I've come to believe that finding someone with the same priorities as me may never happen. I am willing to compromise, but there are some things that I wont stand for.
If I'm living in one country eg. SA...then I want to travel at least 4 - 6 times a year. If I'm moving around, then minimum twice a year.
That aside. I have a very very strong personality/character Beebs...and while I don't expect to meet someone stronger than me, I do expect that he shouldnt be a weakling, he should at least be compatible and be able to "handle" me in a good way...in a way that can calm me down, or inspire me...
Theres so many factors...I could type the whole night lol.
let me know how it goes for you :)
this is my first visit to your blog and as I have read that you guys already have done a gr8 discussion on this post so there is nothing more to say on it... but I wanna leave my footprints here in shape of my comment...
hey bibz..feelings that lots of girls can relate to..alhamdullilah, you dont have to compromise when finding a marriage partner, this is the rest of ur life u talking about..yes theres compromise in the marriage but not before the marriage, i had a list of things i was willing to compromise on but when the right person found me i got everything i wanted and more:) and u will find that too..give slmz to ur sisters for me:)
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